Yup, this is me... Do I look like an employer? Because I really don't feel like an employer... aren't employers old? In so many ways I still feel like I'm 18 and just starting out. The person who didn't think I knew it all, I knew I knew it all. Until, that is, I landed without a safety net a few times, flat on my face knocked clear off of my high horse.
I was actually 17 when I struck off for the first time. I was still in high school when I got my first off Island job offer. It was 3 days after I wrote my final high school exam when my parents drove me to Ontario to begin this journey with horses I had spoken about for the 3 agonizing years I was locked in the prison of high school. I was so scared, I'll never forget the feeling of watching my parents drive away and realizing for the first time, I was on my own. That moment was one had been looking forward to for a really long time and when it came, I wasn't prepared for the fear - the desire to run after them and jump back into my safe world. Pride saved me that day and I'm glad it did. My situation was about to take an interesting turn.
My plan was to work at a quarter horse breeding facility for the summer, before making my way out west to work (now 18 and legal) for the winter season. Then on to Australia. My plan didn't include returning home for 2 years. My plan had my employers amazed at my skill with horses. My plan was to return to PEI and prove to everyone that I was a success. My plan got shot to hell. I was home 3 weeks after I left. Humbled, strengthened and eager for more.
People forget that. People forget that when you are 28 you are still the same person you were 10 years before, with a little more humility. Maybe I'm older and 10 years wiser but truth be told half the time I still flounder about until I find my way. I wonder if that changes, if 40 years from now I'll still feel 18... because so many times on this journey with HJC I feel like that scared almost 18 year old - just starting out with high expectations and a whole lot of opinions ready to conquer a piece of the world.
I've been faced with responsibility most of my life - I've always worked with horses and animals and I work with children every day, but it's amazing to me what a difference it is to have someone under my employ looking to me for answers... and more than that for me to be responsible for that person's pay cheque. It's such a grown up thing to do and I feel like that 18 year old again.
I've worked for a lot of people and I was always so excited to learn from them - I asked questions as though I were going to loose my voice, wanting to know their reasoning behind absolutely everything they were doing with their animals and students. I threw away (believe it or not) many of my own opinions and tried to immerse myself in their ways. Wanting to learn it all, to understand. At times, my questioning was misread as a challenge instead of with the respect it was intended. I put myself into somewhat precarious positions with regards to my employment as a result and when your job includes your residence and you are living in a foreign country - this is not exactly the position you want to be in! Today I find myself in a quandary; somewhat fearful that I will hire someone exactly like me and also somewhat hopeful of the same. Scared in a way that I won't live up to my own expectations today or the ones I had at 18. Oh the karma...
Many things are coming full circle these days. I've gone from student to teacher and now I see myself moving from employee to employer. This is a big moment for me! Seeing myself and HJC through the eyes of staff is a new outlook. Funny isn't it that the critic I am most wary of is the 18 year old me?
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